November 29, 2006
(Part two of a two-part reflection)
If one receives a divorce, I suggest to first let some time pass, prayerfully seeking the consolation of the Lord. Then, if there is no hope of reconciliation, you might see if the bond was in fact a sacramental marriage. On one level, it is a painful process to dig up old skeletons, but it can be a cathartic and healing process on another. If the Church officially declares that it sees evidence that there never in fact had been a sacramental marriage, many things become clear to the individual about circumstances in the relationship all along. The Church’s declaration of nullity confirms the reality of the relationship that was not based in Christ, and it can bring healing to old wounds.
What then if you have a sacramental marriage that has broken up? This is obviously a tough circumstance. 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 says, “To the married I give charge, not I but the Lord, that the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, let her remain single or else be reconciled to her husband) and that the husband should not divorce his wife.” (It should be stated that what is good for the goose is good for the gander, i.e. he may not remarry either.) This is hard to say, that one can’t remarry. But let’s remember the goal of sacramental marriage, to pour oneself out in love for the other in order to help them and yourself get to heaven. Because a divorce or separation occurs, this goal does not change. By the sinfulness of one, the other has a greater cross. That very cross, embraced in the love of Jesus Christ for the other, can and will become the very means of purification for oneself and for the spouse. There are really a couple of options. First, all the pain and frustration may be turned into the very means of redemption for the other, and oneself. Thus, by the grace of God, it will be salvific. Or, all that pain and frustration can be turned into anger at the spouse, oneself, or directed somewhere where it doesn’t belong. Then it will only be a cross without Christ. What I am saying—not I, but the Lord—is not popular and it grinds against the ears of our culture. But it is only by giving ourselves away for another, even another who doesn’t appreciate us, or who has sinned against us, that we will become more like the author of all Love himself, Jesus. In this way we are combating sin by answering with love. In this way alone we will have real peace.
Let me go one step further with the idea of offering the pain of separation up for the very person who has sinned against you. I know of a group of men who have begun to fast and pray in reparation for their sins and the sins of other men against women. As a group they commit to fasting as best they can, usually on bread and water, a couple of days a week toward this end. They offer many accounts of men who had received divorces, and even after many years of separation, received full reconciliation with their spouses. They attribute this directly to the prayer and fasting. I must say it doesn’t surprise me in the least. Jesus said that some demons could only be fought by prayer and fasting. To what else can we ascribe the full frontal assault on the family than to the worst demons in Hell? But even the worst demons are no match for members of the Body of Christ praying in the Spirit and fasting.
So, my friends, remember the wedding band triangles. The goal is to each draw closer to Christ, and thus to one another. But even if one spouse draws away from Christ, how much more does the other need to draw to Christ for his or her own good and to act as an intercessor for the other. Thus, avail yourselves of the sacraments, follow the teachings of Jesus Christ on this, and genuinely pray for the salvation of your spouse, and even for reconciliation if it is possible. It is a cross, but a cross carried with Christ ends in Easter, a cross without Christ, always just ends badly.
Fr. John Anthony Boughton, CFR
Convento San Serafin, Comayagua, Honduras
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